I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
