dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize