you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
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