I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
