Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
