she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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