I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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