Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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