Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
