i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
