Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
