Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize