Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
