i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
