I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
