it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
