I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
