He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
