i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
