Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
