I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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