drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
