I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
