i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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