suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Farmville is her only friend.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
