I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
just tell him i said nine months
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
