so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
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