he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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