She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
