Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
