Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
