I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
