hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
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