the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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