Swine flu is the new snow day.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
