kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
