I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
