is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
