the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I need to align my fucking chakras
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
