My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
