i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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