I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize