I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
