I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
