I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
