In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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