Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
