I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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