But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
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