woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
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