I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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