dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
