Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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