I'm going to jail i love you
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
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