there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
