ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
