maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
