Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
