Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
