My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Found the puke drawer
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
