Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize