it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
