The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
